Last Minute Gaming Gifts to Give to People You Hate – Holiday 2015

The holidays are here and my wife is spending us into oblivion. I don’t see why we have to buy presents for EVERYONE. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be just for the children?

And no, my wife’s cousins, who are in their late teens and twenties DO NOT fucking count as children anymore. They are in college, or recently graduated and have jobs. If anything, they should be buying my 3 year-old daughter Christmas presents now. The statute of limitations (or something) of buying Christmas presents for them is over. Oh, they made a Christmas list? So did I, and there is only one thing on it, and that is:

“Santa, please don’t let the bank foreclose on my house when my wife spends the mortgage payment on Christmas gifts.”

Christmas has become overly commercialized and tiresome, but if I have to buy a gift, then you better believe that I’m going to buy you something horrible and passive aggressive. With that said, here’s my top five gaming gifts to give to people you hate. Merry fucking Christmas

5. Kinect for Xbox One or the Xbox 360

kinect-xbox-one1For all the impressive technology housed within a Kinect, boy does this thing suck. No one knows how to actually make interesting games for this thing, INCLUDING Microsoft.

The Kinect is actually one of the main contributors to Microsoft losing its lead to Sony when they launched the Xbox One. The act of including a Kinect in the box made the Xbox One $100 more expensive than the PS4. Also, the Xbox One, which is already negligibly inferior graphically to the PS4 was further hampered by the fact that developers were locked out of hardware resources specifically set aside to support Kinect. What dipshit actually thought this was a good idea?

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Oh that’s right. I forgot.

I recently disconnected the Kinect from my Xbox One and sold it off to someone for $50 on a Facebook virtual garage sale. I feel like I took advantage of this person. I feel dirty and ashamed. The only way I could have made this worse is if I followed this guy home, broke into his house and kicked his dog. I used the $50 from this sale to buy a bottle of Scotch and washed away the shame.

4. X360 Special Forces Headset

headset

The promotional copy for this product states that you will “Communicate with precision and style with the Special Forces Headset for Xbox 360 from CTA Digital. What makes this headset unique is its throat microphone, which is sensitive enough to pick up a whisper yet clear enough for everyone to hear you in the game environment.”

Indeed, nothing is more stylish than a “throat microphone.” All the racist 12-year-olds online, who can’t see you anyway, will be mightily impressed and jealous while they teabag your lifeless body.

I am assuming that this will help the mouth breathers out there, who can’t help exhaling into their microphones. Sometimes when I’m playing online I’m not sure if the heavily breathing person who I’m playing with is a fat Halo fanboy or some creep masturbating to the sound of my voice. Perhaps it’s both?

flasher

The user reviews for this product have not been kind. My favorite is from OgreKing on GameStop.com who writes:

“People have no trouble hearing me, but they can’t understand what im [sic] saying. It sounds like your [sic] talking through a kinect mic. Other than that it works as intended.

So essentially, OgreKing (if that’s your REAL NAME) believes that the X360 Special Forces Headset works like shit, which is exactly what the manufacturer intended.

3. “2 in 1” Comfort Grip for PS4

bear

This product confuses me on many levels. First of all, I have no idea what this product looks like.  There are no images of it on the GameStop.com website, so I provided a picture of a bear on a bicycle, because I’ve always wanted to and never had a reason to, until now.

Reading the promotional copy does not provide any more insight as to what this product is supposed to do either.

Cut fatigue and keep your controller in great shape. Custom cutouts fit like a glove, No more excuses!
•    Custom textured joystick covers
•    Protect your controller from dust and scratches
•    Precision cutouts for each button, joystick and the D-Pad
•    Non-slip material with ribbed grip for better control & enhanced gaming performance
•    Soft-touch silicone material

The good news is that this product is dirt cheap at just $9.99 (or £5,000,000… probably). The bad news is that this is probably a repurposed sex toy given that it has a “ribbed grip” and “soft-touch silicone.”

2. Toad Wii U Fight Pad Controller

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BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU TOAD!

1. Pyramat Video Game Lounger

pyramat-interactive-3-speaker-sound-lounger-video-game-entertainment-system-blue-pm550-14

Folks, don’t buy video game furniture for yourself. If you receive video game furniture from a friend or family member, you should question your relationship with them, because they secretly hate you.

Gentlemen, video game furniture are vagina repellents. Girls will leave Back to the Future quality flaming tire marks out of your house if they see this thing in your living room or bedroom.

 

Ladies, honestly it doesn’t matter if you own this thing or not, because guys will pretty much screw anything.

The promotional copy is also hilarious:

“Take your gaming experience to the next level! Reclining in comfort while listening to powerful built-in speakers and a subwoofer you’ll hear and feel your games as never before! Easy to use audio controls and easy access inputs and multiplayer connection allow you to tailor the experience and bring your friends along for the ride! Sturdy construction ensures excellent comfort and a long life!”

First of all, if you own this thing, you will have no friends. Secondly, it’s good that this thing is built “sturdily” because you will be using it a lot, by yourself.

All in all, the Pyramat Video Game Lounger is the best gift to get someone you hate. It’s relatively cheap, takes up a lot of space, and will ruin their sex life. It’s scores the Christmas trifecta in passive aggressive resentment.

Have your own ideas on what gifts to get people you hate. Let me know in the comments.

Have a happy, healthy, and safe Holiday.

Let’s Remember Leonard Nimoy, by Giving Microsoft Money

I’m sure many of you have already heard that the venerable Leonard Nimoy passed away yesterday. It is certainly sad, but luckily for his fans, his long career has left us with no shortage of ways to remember and celebrate him.

Microsoft apparently agrees with this assessment, and after only a few hours after Nimoy’s death was announced, Xbox Video was updated with a page of of his television shows and films.

Xbox Video

You stay classy Microsoft.

Experiment: I Got Off My Ass and Gamed – For My Health

Does the name Ernest Hemingway ring a bell? It should, he was one of the world’s finest writers. He lived a fascinating life, won a Pulitzer and Nobel, survived two world wars, walked away from not one, but two plane crashes, and was a big game hunter and fisherman. He was the consummate man’s man.

Hemingway_1

His mustache alone could kick your ass.

Simply put, he was a hard-drinking and hard-living badass who just so happened to be a great writer when he wasn’t kicking ass. He was also known for the interesting manner in which he would write. Simply put, he wrote standing up. He did this due to a injury he suffered in World War I, but found that it had additional benefits as well.

Hemingway

Hemingway

However, Hemingway’s habit of working and writing while standing was shared by other remarkable men as well, such as Thomas Jefferson and Winston Churchill. They all believed that standing while working increased productivity by fighting fatigue as well as other distractions.

Windston Churchill

Windston Churchill

Working on foot has seen an increase in popularity lately. All the hipsters are doing it, but a small part of me can’t help to feel like this is a fad that will slowly disappear. Not too long ago, the big thing at the office was sitting on a yoga ball. Quite frankly, sitting on a yoga ball at the office looks ridiculous and is dangerous, especially when I’m around. I have to make a conscience effort not to kick your stupid yoga ball chair out from under you.

Also, ladies, be mindful that sitting on a yoga ball can and will expose your ass. Last place I worked had an open office environment (fuck you Google for making this a thing) and the woman who sat directly across from me sat on a yoga ball. She also liked wearing thongs. You can say that this was a slight distraction. Sure, a giant ball can help build your core strength, but you look like a moron while sitting on one at the office.

Don't worry, we'll just throw that ball out when you're done with it.

Don’t worry, we’ll just throw that ball out when you’re done with it.

Standing however, is so much more convenient than sitting on a ball. Some of the benefits of standing include a lower risk of obesity, jump starting your metabolism, and reducing cardiovascular disease and cancer. Not too shabby.

Yes, some offices and people take the standing and working thing to stupid levels. Case and point, the treadmill desk. I also worked in an office that had one of these. It was hardly ever used, because A) it’s stupid, B) It’s dangerous, and C) It was always broken. Some people have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, and you’re going to recommend that they walk and work on an Excel spreadsheet at the same time?

uplift-treadmill-desk-review

I used to work at gym a long while back. Since I was a morning person, I got the 5:00 AM to 12:00 PM shift. It wasn’t as bad as you would think and was pretty easy. People who exercise in the mornings tend to keep to themselves and are pretty low maintenance. The one downside is that really old people also exercise early in the morning and this particular gym had a ton of octogenarians shuffling in at the ass crack of dawn.

gym_old_lady

One of my responsibilities was giving orientations to new members. Only old people would sign up for the orientations when they joined the gym, because they’re really old, it was free, and the last time they exercised it was to Jack LeLanne’s TV show. Nautilus equipment and cardio machines were new and terrifying things to them, and a sleep deprived and possibly hungover college kid had the pleasure to show them how to use it.

Jack LaLanne

Jack Lalanne

Many times, I would sit them down on the leg press machine, which was the first exercise on the circuit, tell them what to do, and they would just sit there, smiling and staring at me. “Is the weight too heavy?” I would ask. “No, I don’t think so.” Grandma would say. “Okay, because you’re not pushing the weight out.” I would say. “Ohhhhh, I have to push it myself? I thought the machine did that for me!” Granny would reply.

...And no, we don't have jiggle machines, unfortunately.

…And no, we don’t have jiggle machines, unfortunately.

I shit you not, this was a very common occurrence. That’s why I would save the treadmill for last, because they will just stand there when the belt starts moving and simply fall off back. I learned that the hard way my first week of work at the gym. I was terrified and thought some old man broke his hip on my watch. He said that he didn’t know that he HAD TO MOVE HIS OWN FUCKING LEGS!

My, boss, who was a great guy saw that I was freaking out while filling out the accident report. He just laughed and said that people fall of the treadmills all the time and I would get used to it.

And it wasn’t just old people who fell off the treadmill. Young people, middle aged people, boys and girls of all ages and back grounds fell off the treadmills all the fucking time. Eventually, I learned to enjoy and actually looked forward to people falling off the treadmills, because they never ever got hurt, working at a gym is boring as hell, and I was and still am a horrible person.

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My personal favorite is when people would lose their balance, but hang on for dear life, trying to regain their footing, while the belt was going 10 miles per hour. They would hang onto the bar and it looked like they were getting dragged by an out off control stage coach from an old timey western . I had a good laugh then would scream at them to just turn the fucking machine off.

All these people who fell off the treadmill had one thing in common, and that is they were all just trying to walk or run on a treadmill. They weren’t trying to do anything fancy. Now, I ask you, do you want these same people to use a laptop or a phone while using a complicated piece of exercise equipment? This is a recipe for disaster when simply standing and working is more than adequate.

With that said, I’m not quite ready to spend eight hours a day standing at my desk. I prefer to take a lot of breaks and walk around the office, checking in on the status of things. There are some folks that I work with that have dove right into standing, but I’m not quite there yet. I prefer to ease into it.

Truth of the matter is, I like sitting at my desk. It feels natural and I’m also incredibly lazy. However, I wanted to see what the whole standing craze was about, so I decided to try it out at home, while playing video games.

lazy-gamer

It’s important to point out that this little experiment constituted playing regular video games while standing, not exercise games on the Wii or Xbox Fitness, where Jillian Michaels yells at you and makes you feel horrible and fat.

I can self loathe without your help Jillian.

I can self loathe without your help Jillian.

First game I tried using the standing method was GTA V on the PS4. Things went well for about the first 15 minutes, until my feet started to hurt. Apparently, one of the major problems of standing for long periods of time is that it’s hell on your feet. I should’ve definitely worn a good pair of shoes. The hard wood floor in my game room wasn’t helping either. After a half an hour, I was ready for a break and sat down on my couch, where I stayed for the rest of my gaming session. My first attempt of gaming while standing was a failure.

Next night, I was ready to give it another shot. This time, I was wearing sneakers, and was much more motivated. I was able to play much longer before becoming fatigued, clocking in an hour before I was ready for a break. I also found that I was playing much better. I found it easier to weave through the Los Santos traffic without wrecking and combat was much easier. I felt that I had sharper focus which was probably aided with me being closing to my screen. After the break, I played for another 45 minutes, before calling it a night.

success

On my second night I was able to play much longer, but I was still fatigued. Standing wasn’t the main issue, but rather I was already tired after working an entire day. Gaming while standing isn’t relaxing, especially after you’re already tired after working all day.

Luckily the next day was Saturday, so I would be able to test out how gaming while standing would work when I was more well rested. This time, I was going to try out a different type of game and see if that made a difference, so I booted up Forza Motorsport 5 on the Xbox One.

This time around, fatigue wasn’t an issue, as I was well rested. Again, I found myself being able to focus on the game and was playing very well. I was taking good lines and easily finishing in the top 3. However, a part of me found playing a racing game standing a bit unorthodox. You drive a car while sitting, so you might as well sit while playing a car racing video game, right?

Unless you're this guy, then never-mind.

Unless you’re this guy, then never-mind.

Next day being Sunday, I was once again well rested. The wife and kid were also away for the afternoon so I would be able to close out this completely unscientific experiment with minimal distractions.

This time around, I started off with Sunset Overdrive on the Xbox One, a game I have not played previously. Once again, I felt that I was able to focus much better throughout the tutorial and early missions.

I definitely felt that standing allowed me to block out distractions. While sitting on the couch, even while engrossed in a game, my mind would wander at times. Did I remember to finish that thing at work? Did I leave the stove on? Sure is windy outside… Standing allowed me to block all that stuff out and focus on the game, which is pretty good when you’re starting a new title and trying to learn the controls.

Sunset-Overdrive-11

Next up was #IDARB, the indie developed sports game mash up. Once again, I haven’t played this game before, so I was able to approach it with laser focus. Once I was comfortable, I jumped into an online match and proceeded to get my assed kicked. However, I did find myself hopping up and down and swaying back and forth like a crazy person. Good thing the wife wasn’t around to see this, but the dog sure looked concerned.

idarb-05

Last game for the day would be Titanfall, a title that I have not played for months and was sure to be rusty. I did get schooled quite a bit at first, but after a few games, I found myself finishing in the top 3 regularly, and even leading my team in points in a couple matches. These outcomes were nothing extraordinary, but I did feel that I was able to get back into the swing of things quickly. I would like to believe that playing while standing up helped in this regard.

Titanfall

So, you may asking yourself if I’m now a born again gaming while standing convert? Short answer is no. Standing for extended amount of times is not easy. It’s tiring actually. I would be more willing to try out standing all day at work than standing at home while I’m trying to relax. Gaming while standing is almost counterintuitive. Playing a game is supposed to be a relaxing, leisurely experience. I’d rather stand all day at work and then come home and sit on my comfy couch and play a game.

At the end of the day, gaming while standing has it’s benefits. Maybe it would be beneficial for competitive gamers as I found being able to focus on the action much easier while standing. You’re also burning a handful of calories, which is better than nothing, I suppose. However, if your looking to get healthier, perhaps getting outside for a walk or a run, or god forbid the gym is more worthwhile.